Dr. Robert Glover on How Asian American Men Can Stop Being Nice Guys

“There are no perfect relationships. There are no perfect partners. Relationships by their very nature are chaotic, eventful, and challenging.”
― Robert A. Glover, No More Mr. Nice Guy
One of the books that has been most impactful on my life is Dr. Robert Glover’s No More Mr. Nice Guy.
The book reveals:

* the truth about the stereotypical Nice Guy
* why modern society has created so many of them
* why they fail to get the relationships and career success they crave
* how to take back your life in an honest, non-manipulative way without becoming a jerk

The book is filled with stories of many of his Nice Guy clients and specific steps on how to break free from this behavior. Dr. Glover has coached thousands of Nice Guys as a licensed psychotherapist. He adeptly addresses specific common questions like, “Why is it a bad thing to be nice?” and “How do I talk to a girl without making it seem like I’m hitting on her?”
I want to cover some of the major lessons in the book, and offer an exclusive interview with the man himself.

What Is A Nice Guy?
A Nice Guy is a man who doesn’t think he’s can be his true self. He feels like he has to hide his true intentions to get what he wants, resulting in dysfunctional relationships. He also manages his anxiety and his need to please others in passive-aggressive ways.
A Nice Guy has “covert contracts” or assumptions about what he’ll get back if he does something for someone else. That’s right. He’s not truly selfless. He gives to get.
The three universal covert contracts are:

* If I am a good guy, then everyone will love me and like me (and people I desire will desire me).
* If I meet other people’s needs without them having to ask, then they will meet my needs without me having to ask.
* If I do everything right, then I will have a smooth, problem-free life.

These three are also considered limiting beliefs since they aren’t true but Nice Guys believe they’re true, which limit their potential.
You will still meet people who dislike you no matter how nice you are. People don’t expect or realize they have to meet your needs if you meet yours, especially if you don’t ask. And if you do everything right, life will still hand you tough blows; a successful person has to plan ahead and roll with the punches.
Nice Guys have common frustrations in life:

* They give so much and are mad they don’t get enough back.
* They want to be appreciated but they feel like they can never do enough.
* They wonder it will be “their turn.” They have a poor or zero romantic or sex lives.


An Interview with Dr. Robert Glover
Listen to my exclusive interview with Dr. Glover. We dive deep into unique Asian American obstacles, like racism, parental pressure, bamboo ceilings in your career, holding back too much, and more.

Nice Guys Aren’t So Nice
“Just about everything a Nice Guy does is consciously or unconsciously calculated to gain someone’s approval or to avoid disapproval.”
― Robert A. Glover, No More Mr. Nice Guy
One of the main themes of the book is that the stereotypical nice guy isn’t actually so selfless.
They can mislead, manipulate, bend the truth with white lies, and do and say things but only with the intention of getting something back in return.
The Nice Guy Syndrome is, at its core, an anxiety- and shame-based disorder.
Everything a Nice Guy does is about managing his internal anxiety and how the world perceives him. He strives to maintain a constantly problem-free life and keep the peace with everyone, an impossible task.
Sometimes,